19 July 2008

Suits of woe

So today I have been overtaken by melancholy for no real reason. I think it's my old friend Groundless Anxiety back for a visit. The Lexapro works well for me but you're made how you're made, and I'm prone to anxiety and sadness. The Lexapro just smooths it out most of the time. It's not really a big deal, in the sense that it's a mood I'm familiar with and have lots of coping strategies, except it's 91 degrees and any activity besides sitting still makes me break a sweat. In fact, as I type, I've got the fan blowing directly into my face. It sounds like a 747 but it's better than breaking a sweat typing (which is happening anyway.) It's the kind of weather where talking on the phone makes the side of your face hot and when you finish the call, the phone is beaded with sweat-dew. And the backs of your knees and the insides of your elbows sweat, and you don't really feel clean ever.

So the heat has knocked out most of my coping strategies besides reading and napping, and neither of those has worked. I'm blogging about my mood instead. It never ceases to amaze me how my brain can just completely let me down like this. Oops, it got the mood chemicals wrong today, I'm going to feel shitty for no reason. It took me a while to figure out that nothing was wrong, actually, because normally when I feel shitty there's a least a lot going on to blame it on. Dave's not around so I'm a little lonely but the solitude is nice. (He's at band practice; later on tonight the band has a show at the Cantab downstairs and oodles of people I know will be there, so I'm really looking forward to it. But in the meantime I need to put up with my own company for another 5 or 6 hours.)

The cats are lazing around in the heat. I need to pay some bills but I ain't doing it until the weather cools down or Monday at the air-conditioned office during lunch, whichever comes first. I'm pretty happy with the effort I put in last week at work (as usual, I've taken some home this weekend, but we'll see how motivated I really am.) Zoe is dying, of course, but she's been doing that for some time now and she'll probably stick around for a while longer. No real reason to be all mopey and woeful, but I am.

Although contemplating not having Zoe around is definitely something I am actively trying not to think about, I have to admit, and might be bumming me out just the teensiest bit. She's just so lethargic and cranky. Some of that is probably the heat, but I can't help seeing it as ominous. Humans outlive their pets and that's all there is to it. (I forget if I mentioned and I'm too lazy to read my archives, but while Zoe perked up initially on the antibiotics and painkillers, she stopped responding - i.e. her appetite decreased again - later on in the week, so we won't be going ahead with dental work or any further treatment.)

I miss her perky little chirps and the way she used to climb up on the bed right next to me, even though I ended up trapped and suffocated and hot between her and Dave. She would purr if I woke up in the middle of the night - she has always been an excellent purrer - and she'd just keep purring until I fell back asleep. I haven't heard her purr in a little while. (Not like I could hear it over the fan today!) Mostly she just seems tired and slow and not very interested in anything. My poor button. I miss who she used to be. She hasn't even bothered to boss Simone around, and Zoe has always taken joy in bossing the other cats in the house.

Look at me, getting maudlin. Over a cat. But that's the joy of the internet - deep feelings for your cat are totally legitimate. Anyway, I don't think there's much I can do about either my mood or grieving for Zoe (not that she's gone yet, but I know it's coming) besides ride it out, which is what Ima do. Maybe I will re-read Hamlet again, that usually helps too.

1 comment:

Lisa said...

Deep feelings for your cat are always legitimate. I'm sorry about poor old Zoe. Hope her end days are good ones.