08 September 2009

I've had worse

So I love my doctor but she has strange bedside manner. Strange as in she actually interrupted a recent pap smear to go answer an email. I didn't mind because I feel totally safe in the office and we'd been talking about the email (actually I think it was more like an instant message but whatever) and she had an idea while she was examining me and was all, "Stay right where you are!", stripped off her gloves, sent the message - I watched from the table with my feet still in the stirrups - then re-gloved and continued. In context, it was okay and I felt safe, but it was a classic "what not to do".

At least she finished with the speculum before interrupting the exam, which was good because during that part there were definitely some pauses and some "where is the cervix?" muttering coming from the bottom of the table, followed by speculum-cranking noises and attendant internal sensations. I don't have much love for the speculum, I have to say, but it's not that bad - I've definitely had worse sex. (Lisa suggested Worse Sex Than a Speculum would be an awesome band, which it would. And I will be the lead singer and guitarist in that band! I just need to find me some musical ability first.)

The entire visit to the doctor made me realize why some people hate going to the doctor. There was the "You've gained weight since last year!" comment. (Yes, and I'm wearing bigger jeans to prove it.) And also the "You should really be eating more calcium." (Yes, but I dislike the taste of milk and yogurt.) And the "You're still thinking about kids in a couple of years?" (HELL NO, which is what I said last time I was in to see you and you asked about it.) This segued into "You're taking how much Lexapro?" (Yes, I am on the maximum dosage because I have severe anxiety and depression, and while we're on the topic I'll also tell you that my husband is bipolar I. Quite apart from financial considerations, we're pretty reluctant to pass that kind of poisoned genetic legacy on to a kid. So can I get my tubes tied already?) It was like a horrible cross between a conversation with your mother and a high school guidance counselor, if either of those two had recently poked you in the cervix with a giant Q-tip.

Good thing I don't have to go back until next year.


Becky Malaria said...

I'm about to go to a new one... I built up a relationship with my current one over a number of years... a BAD relationship, for all the reasons you mention! I am curious to find out who among our generation will have kids and who won't. (I probably won't.) In not un-related news we watched "Idiocracy" last night.

Cara deBeer said...

I like Idiocracy a lot. I am really starting to be kind of a Mike Judge fan.

Katharine Weber said...

Today my new eye doctor said of my former eye doctor, apropos stupendous not-listening and arrogance over a 25-year relationship, "Well, you know, you were born with your eye problem, but he was also obviously born with a serious birth defect." What did he mean? "He was obviously born with a pedestal instead of a placenta."

Lisa said...

Is there a tipping point before which they think it's unethical to tie your tubes? I didn't get any argument, but I had an 11-year-old kid -- I did my breeding for society, or whatever. Also the best OBGYN on earth, whom I miss dearly.

"Stay right where you are!"

As if you were going to get up and wander out to the waiting room with your pants off in protest? OK.

Debi said...

Cara, I hope I was supposed to laugh, because I did. I still think my last OBGYN choosing mid-exam to tell me he'd been saved and ask me if I knew Jesus Christ beats your email-interruption...but not by much. :) Just out of curiosity, what did she say about having your tubes tied?

Cara deBeer said...

Katharine, your eye doctor sounds like a gem. It must be a kind of congenital defect occurring naturally in some doctors.

Debi, definitely supposed to be funny. And I didn't even work up the nerve to ask about the tube tying - last time I asked about a referral for someone to insert an IUD I got a stern look and a question about whether or not I knew that IUDs don't wear off right away as soon as they're removed? Which I hadn't known, in fact. And then she gave me the referral. Useful information, good medical doctor, just a weird bedside manner which I don't think is indicative of her not caring; more like she has a touch of Asperger's or something (though actually I don't know enough about Asperger's to make a reasonable armchair diagnosis.)

And yes, being asked if you've been saved definitely beats email. Jesus.

Debi said...

Oy. Sometimes I think the problem with OB/GYNs is they are seriously hung up on the OB part of what they do and really aren't that interested in women who aren't having babies, planning to have babies, wanting to have babies, or are finished having having babies. What is needed is a separation of the two fields, I think. Because I'd love to have a gynecologist...but am sooo not interested in sharing my doctor with a bunch of pregnant women who are way more interesting (to the doctor) than me.

These days, I just have my gyno-exams at my regular doctor and keep my fingers crossed that nothing comes up that needs specialty care.

Lisa said...

I commented yesterday but it didn't post for some reason, asking if there was some kind of age cutoff they try to pull on you for a healthy woman who wants to get her tubes tied. I didn't get any backtalk about mine, but I had already done my breeding for society (plus my OBGYN was awesome in general -- how I miss her).

Cara deBeer said...

Huh. I wonder why it didn't show?

Yeah, I don't know if there's an age cutoff, but I'm guessing I'd have to do some convincing before a doctor would consent to the surgery. Although in fact I think we'd go the vasectomy route if we decide on a permanent method - it's a much less complicated procedure than getting tubes tied.